“Keeping the Home Fires Burning”

For those that have been in long-term, monogamous relationships like marriage, keeping intimacy’s fire burning hot is not something that just happens. It takes work. When partners are committed to each other and the relationship, the effort can be well worth it. Most often the issue is not whether couples desire greater intimacy. Instead, it is about not knowing how to make it happen.

Some couples turn to medications, marital aids and other strategies with greater frequency to rekindle love’s flame. Others live with less fulfilling relationships, suffering in silence instead of having the passionate marriages they truly want. With the greater number of male enhancement, female arousal and other similar products on the market, it is obvious that even if couples are not having satisfying relationships, they definitely are trying. Yet, perhaps the answer is not a toy or a little blue pill. Instead it might be in the bond between you and your partner. That might be the where “the secret” to having a passionate relationship is.

Dr. David Schnarsh, a clinical psychologist, certified sex therapist and author of the re-released bestselling book, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, definitely gave our Health Watch listeners some food for thought about passion and relationships. And our listeners also had a lot to share, also.

One of the myths Dr. Schnarsh dispelled early is that committed relationships should always burn hot. Instead, Dr. Schnarsh explained that relationships, like all living things, have cycles. There are ebbs and flows in relationships. These are natural, necessary and normal. These “cooling off” periods allow us to (re)assess our relationships, better understand ourselves, and cultivate who we are so we bring our best to our partners. Being comfortable in our own skin and with our sexuality are the best aphrodisiacs any couple can use.

If you are looking for a resource on creating greater intimacy, then you and your partner (maybe while tucked in under the covers!) should perhaps check out Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. Dr. Schnarsh also has a sex survey that can give even more insight on the state of your relationship. For more information, check out the website below:

http://passionatemarriage.com/

Whether you are in a committed relationship or still waiting for the love of your life, you need to bring your best self to any relationship. For when you love yourself it is impossible for others not to follow suit. Until next time, remember, “When we know better, we should do better. So pass it on!”

Love Never Fails

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7, NLT)


With many marriages ending in divorce and long-time relationships breaking up, it is easy to become jaded about love. For many, we stop believing sustained love is possible or even worth pursuing. What a sad life this would be without love. Therefore, it is heartening when we hear that real and healthy love is possible.

We shared findings last night on Health Watch from a study out of the State University of New York at Stony Brook, published in this month’s Psychological Science, indicating that overcoming boredom is the key to keeping relationships alive and well. Over 100 first-time married couples were studied for 16 years about their marriages. Those that expressed dissatisfaction at the 7 year mark (that dreaded seven-year itch) were more likely to divorce or be dissatisfied 9 years later in their marriages. Boredom was a strong predictor of future unhappiness and loss of intimacy. That was what science had to say. But, we wanted to know what our Health Watch listeners thought about keeping relationships strong.

If last night’s Health Watch callers are indication (and we believe they are) then love truly is not dead. It is alive and well. We heard from men and women who have been married or in committed relationships for only a few years and for decades. They had a lot to teach us. One important lesson they shared is that love, like any important thing, has to be cultivated. It has to be nurtured to thrive. Yes, love never fails. But, love takes work.

Here are some “trade secrets” to successful marriages and relationships that our Health Watch listeners shared:

Ø Be friends first and forever with your mate. Relationships that start out as friendships create a foundation of trust and support that can get couples over the tough times.

Ø Keep discovering new things about your mate. Each human being has many facets. The person you are with has new things to share and so do you. Keep learning about each other and you will never get bored with the one you love.

Ø A relationship is about service. It is about bringing the best out of the one you love and trusting they will do the same for you. Service should be your relationship’s mission statement – service for their best and your best.

Ø To keep the fire burning, be intentional about taking time to love each other. Talk to each other and share your feelings. Plan date nights with each other. Do the things you did when you were dating. Keep the relationship fresh and interesting.

Ø Never be too big to say, “I’m sorry.” Be willing to forgive so that you can be forgiven.

Ø Have a healthy spiritual relationship with God/Higher Being. When you are in-tune with yourself you can be better in sync with your partner.

It is obvious from our Health Watch listeners that they are putting in the time and effort to have healthy relationships. Hopefully, they will inspire us to do the same in ours. Until next time, remember, “When we know better, we should do better. So pass it on.”

Can’t Live With Them, Can’t Live Without Them

Even the best relationships have their ups and downs. When things are good, they are great. But, when they are bad, they can be the worst. Nobody wants to be miserable when it comes to love. Yet, dealing with misery, sadness, and disappointment that comes in relationships is necessary to have the happiness you truly want in your relationships. Last week’s Health Watch guest, Ted Cunningham, co-author of From Anger to Intimacy: How Forgiveness Can Transform Your Marriage definitely made that clear. You can not avoid the irritations, resentment and anger that come up in relationships and expect to have a healthy one. You have got to deal with the matter head-on.

One good way of doing this is by becoming a student of anger. Most of the battles in our relationships are really about deeper issues – not about whether or not you put the toilet seat down or whose turn it is to pick up the kids. When we are stressed, tired, frustrated or scarred it can manifest itself in a lot of different ways. Study the script of your fights. Is there a pattern? If so, what is that pattern telling you? That pattern can tell you some really important things. Things like what your anger triggers are; the real source of your anger; and even whether not forgiving someone is the tool you use against the person you love. Studying anger can not only lead to better communication with your partner, it can tell you a lot about yourself. Maybe it’s time you studied your anger.

Ted also shared some other really important tips to create better intimacy with your partner. Some of the big ones include:

Ø Realize you cannot change somebody else. So, get off of their case.
Ø Be a “safe” partner. Be somebody your partner can share their hopes and dreams with without fearing you will cut them down.
Ø Checking in. Create time where you and your partner can openly share with each other about what is really going on in your lives.

The bottom line is that when it comes to love and relationships, we sometimes can’t live with them. But, we certainly can’t live without them. Therefore, we need to use all the tips and tools we can to learn from them and make them better. Here’s to happy relationships!

That’s it for this Ask Health Watch blog entry. Remember, “When we know better, we should do better. So pass it on.”